Acheiving perfection is hard...but worth it!

It's been too LONG!

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 21:16:41 GMT

Jesus...I havn't been on hear in near enough 2 years!!! Thats so crazy. I would come on here every single day...just to feel sane...?

So much has changed since I last came on hear...some good...some bad...!

Okay first things first...BREAKUPS ARE THE BEST FORM OF DIET...EVER!
I have managed to go from 9.6lbs...yea thats right, for someone whos 5"1, ergh...dow to 7.12lbs in around a year.
I got a boyfriend, been with him for over a year now. And no way will I Ever get to be a fat girlfriend!!! Thats the motivation! Ha.

I'm still a fuck up.
I go to Uni...doing photography.
I still hate evry inch of my body...but I love how my boyfriend says im getting "skinny". Ha. SICK!?

My throut hurts.

And i'm done. :)

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 14:42:08 GMT

Im such a fuckin mess.
I dont know why im like how iam....im a fuck up.

I write and write, but then think SHUT THE FUCK UP U ATTENTION SEEKING BITCH!

Cunt!

Fat CUNT!

Holiday Lent!

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 07:14:27 GMT

Trust me i have got extremly fat, its truly sick!

3 months too loose 14lbs....anything more will be a bonus!

Fat cunt!

I hate....

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 22:54:05 GMT

I hate the fact that im not perfect,
I hate the fact that I get so jelous,
I hate the fact that im so ugly,
And I hate the fact that im such an ugly shape.

I hate the fact that Im weak,
I hate the fact that I pretend im not,
I hate the fact that I cry,
And I hate the fact that im so obsessive.

I hate the fact that I have to be fake in order to please people,
I hate the fact that I worry what people think of me,
I hate the fact that I have no control,
And I hate the fact that I know deep down I am worthless.

I hate the fact that im a worthless peice of fuckin shit,
I hate the fact that I cant trust anyone,
I hate the fact that in reality no one actually cares,
And most of all, I hate the fact that im me.

Get over your self. Cunt.

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 07:42:36 GMT

I hate how someone who i thought i could trust and someone i called a best mate just fuckin repeatidly stabs me in the fuckin back!
I fuckin hate her! I hate a lot of fuckin people l8ly! All cunts and showing their true colours!

Day 5 of diet....fun fun! Weigh day is Monday mornings.

had around 600 colours per day....could do better but this is the first time in around 6 months were i havnt binged then purged....cunt!

Adios
x

And let is begin.....

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 07:33:27 GMT

Its starts today: 5th March 2007!!!

Had a bet with my dad aswell....£50 if I loose 14 lbs by the time i go on holiday(plan to loose more than that but yea).

Today I will have:

Breakfast = Cup of Tea
Lunch = Fruit Juice
Dinner = Small bowl of salad

At the moment I am 9.2 stone.....evil cunt!!! (highest I have EVER been!)

Starting weight = 128lbs! <---------What the fuck!!! Fat cunt!

***Goal Weight = 110lbs!!!***

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 20:56:15 GMT

double CUNT!

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 18:48:06 GMT

CUNT!

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 10:14:25 GMT

I cant just NOT eat. I get fat from it bcause I always binge after.

July 16th.....Count down from now.

28lbs by then! NO FUCKIN MATTER WHAT! I done it when I was 15....so I can do it now.

It goes a little something like this.....500 calories is the most I will consume...some days less and some days i'll eat all 500....I have really done it before....And I will do it again!!!

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 00:02:57 GMT

Here's a little conversation that I had with my Dad just before i went out.

Me: Dad....do i look fat with what im wearing?
Dad: Well, you have put on weight.....
Me: *silence*
Dad: Since you went on holiday you have put on weight.

I wanna fuckin cut my arms up like a bitch just to get the anger out!!!! I hate my self so fuckin much!!!!!!!

I had so much control before.... so much.....so much that even the doctors couldnt persuade me too put on weight....and now look at me!!!!

I dont eat for days on end....then I eat and cant stop! I dont know how to get out of this cycle.......

I don't know what to do right now. Do i fast and fast.....or do i eat a certain amount of calories? I know i need to eat....but im scared...so scared of eating...then when i do eat i cant friggen stop! And to think that this time last year i was in control....yet have i ever been in control...answer to that is a big fat NO!!! Im rambeling now because I dont kno what to think.

All this constant shit of wanting to be...perfect.

My head is a fucked up mess!

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 07:29:05 GMT

I have not aten since sunday night. 2 more weeks and hopefully some fuckin change will happen.

It amazes me to think that this time last year I was sitting here feeling exactly the same....but nothing ever seemed to happen, I was still fat then and I still am now.

I just want everything to be how it used to be. The KLM girls together....no arguing, no intruders just us girls, the best mates that we were and always will be....

Some people are majour cunts ya know. You think they will be there for you but really and truley they are in it for them selves!

Holiday gets booked today and I want to loose at least 1 stone (14lbs) by then, which will be July 19th. Possible....lets hope.

Lent started yesterday. Last year I gave up bread....havnt eaten bread since. So this year im giving up all starchy shit....Carby stuff. Stuff like, Cheese, Crackers, Pasta, Potatoes, Cakes and Biscuits....the usual shit. But coz its for lent I kno i will stick to it. So literally fruit, salad and soups for 5 months....peice of cake....haaa excuse the pun. Im focused and I kno deep down i can do it. Im sick of feeling ugly and fat and just ....i dont know....unexceptable. Blah!!!

Cioa x

Never done this.....

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 22:02:39 GMT

Heres me. Im ugly fat and a giant loser......kill me now. I never posted any pictures before. Scared....Yes.

The Face....

Stumpy FAT idiot.....

Just kill me now.

I really do hate myself today. I binged. I threw up. I binged some more. PRIK!

But whatever!

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 08:44:46 GMT

Well all weeek i ate nothing....friday(last night) i got drunk and the drunken munchies occured.....4 slices of cheese and 3 crackers. Proud considering I usually munch out uncontrolably. I hate myself. I hate that i have no fuckin control any more.
Saturday and Sunday is fasting then....kinda get away the whole munch out thing. I hate myself. I reali reali do....

What to do?

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 08:35:16 GMT

Today there is an all day rehearsal at school....great fun joy!

I ate too much last night and im pissed off this morning.

I do this pretty much every day.

I wake up and tell myself today is a new day and i will sort myself out.

Lunch comes and i dont have lunch.

I get home and think 'oh well i'll eat 2 day and start tomorro.'

I eat loads and hate myself even more.

I go to the toilet and throw up.

I go to bed and punch my fat stomach and get angry at myslef and tell myself 'tommoro is the day when it all chnages.'

AND REPEAT!

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 07:25:00 GMT

My hands burnt and it hurts like fuck........

Yea so why are all my friends suddenly having this huge urge to diet and loose weight....? Its crazy.

Im goin on holiday 17th July for 2 weeks with the girls....by then i want to be 100lbs! Possible...? Yes definatly!

28lbs........! BITCH!

Day 1

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 07:11:41 GMT

I feel like shit. I feel fat and disgusting and plain ugly.

Fasting today and all of next week.

No fuck ups anymore!

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 07:30:50 GMT

Its time to get serious. The thought of me, the feel of me and the look of me makes me want to vomit.

I hate me for being me. I hate that im usless and ugly and hideous and nothing i ever do it right.

8 weeks to sort my shit out. In these 8 weeks if im not sorted then its the ultimate failure for me. I cnt take this shit no more!

Week 5th Feb FAST Monday-Friday/ Soup on Saturday/ Fast Sunday
Week 12th Feb FAST Monday-Friday/ Soup on Saturday/ Fast Sunday
Week 19th Feb FAST Monday-Friday/ Soup on Saturday/ Fast Sunday
Week 26th Feb FAST Monday-Friday/ Soup on Saturday/ Fast Sunday
Week 5th March FAST Monday-Saturday/ Sunday Salad
Week 12th march FAST Monday-Saturday/ Sunday Soup
Week 19th March FAST Monday-Saturday/ Sunday Salad
Week 26th March FAST Monday-Saturday/ Sunday Soup

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 21:07:40 GMT

"fast starts now
and never stops
until i'm
myself
again."

I read this and it really made me think......

Im the reason im unhappy...me all ME.

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 22:25:08 GMT

I hate life! its a cunt!

I havnt got anything wrong with me. Im a fat cunt who deserves nothing but a fat slash to the wrist! I hate people we moan about how bad their lives are, when really they have it fine and they just make it out to be o so terrible for a bit of fuckin sympathy!!! I actually hate alot of people right now....including myself.

Its got to the point now i really do hate food and the meer thought of it makes me shudder! But then when it comes to bein practically forced to eat.....i have no fuckin self control and cant stop....in conclusion dnt eat at all.....o if only it were that simple.

I want to be that fragile girl that people worry about....i want them to worry about me and think "why is she so sad?"..... but NO!!! No one cares or worries about me.....i just smile big and let people think im just fuckin fine!.....but u kno what....i aint fucking fine....im screaming out inside for someone to notice the cuts on my arms, the slices in my legs and the swollen face....but no! I hide it and make up lies that people belive because deep down i kno that by lettin people kno how im truly feeling makes me weak.....and im not weak.......

Pasta Ban: 26th November 2006 until 26th December 2006

On a Sunday, NO eating after 6pm.

I hate what i have become......

Cunts! Just watch!

week 2, day 4!

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 07:23:43 GMT

....week 2, day 4!....yeps that right...im going still! I hate ny FAT self!

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 15:25:53 GMT

These are the confesions of a borken heart....or so they say....!
I just sat and read throught all my entries and all the stuff I was saying like this time last year...is exactly how im STILL sounding.

^{I hate the feeling of not wanting to be me.....} 8 Weeks to sort my fat self out!

30th October- Week 1: Fast all week except Saturday and Sunday

6th November- Week 2:Fast all week except Saturday

13th November- Week 3:Fast all week except Saturday

20th November- Week 4:Fast all week except Saturday

27th November- Week 5:Fast all week except Saturday and Sunday

4th December- Week 6:Fast all week except Saturday

11th December- Week 7:Fast all week except Saturday

18th December- Week 8:Fast all week except Saturday

25th December- Week 9: Fast the days I can..except days i have to due to Xmas gayness!

The Saturdays and Sundays that i have to eat will be Saturday a cup of soup and the Sundays will be Cereal for breakfast and soup for dinner.....

See how long this one will last for....

week 2....

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 07:40:00 GMT

its tuesday of week 2.

All last week i fasted, Monday til Friday....it felt so good to be in control again. Saturday and Sunday are my eating days....saturday i done well and had a small cup of soup....however sunday i went a bit out of control......well in my books any way...breAkfast ,lunch, dinner and desert....i dunno why ither....i was ssooo fuckin mad with myself as well!

However monday i fasted and i am continiuing till friday again....souo saturday, then break fast bein cereal then soup at some point in the day....im doing this until im happy.....simple!

I hate life....i hate what peoples words and actions are doing to me. Im a mess......

I dont do starts....

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 15:13:17 GMT

I just get on with it!

fuck face!

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 19:45:55 GMT

yea so the fuck face is back.....at a nice fatty weight!!! fuckin cunttttttttttttttttt!!! check this out....im so fat now that my tits are a DD!!! from a friggen B cup! how wrong is that! im a fat whore and hate it!!! monday 23rd......is the start of the end! seriously......for one whole year i have been BATTELING the daily fuckin torture in my head of my constent mind telling me to stop eating....but i cnt....i hate it!

so the seriousness is back! i will not fuck up any more! end of!

Recently iv done some shit i aint proud of....iv been ....erm hurtin myself....shit that sounds wrong....never actually said it....:S I dont want to hurt myself...people ask questions and i look like a weirdo....so instead im kinda channeling that wanting to hurt onto starving myself....ill hurt myself that way!!!
The other week i had some break down....no lie, it was horrid yet so strange to explain, basically every single thing of hate and hurt i was feeling came to the surface.....so i decided to starve myself....it worked....until i was forced to eat...GAY! I feel so broken and no one cares. I feel so low and no one can get me out, its weird i feel like this and i cnt explain it to anyone....or tell anyone. I dont want to tell anyone ither....because burdoning ur problems on other people just causes problems for others....so i just need to get on with it.
Im my OWN person....i CAN do what i like with my body....MY LIFE!!!

Woooo im one heck of crazy fool, i must admit! Oh well .....cioa xxx

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 17:37:22 GMT

THIs TIME NEXT YEAR......I will be 100lbs!!!
So basically 2lbs per month! bam!